Chapter 2
Communication and Conflict
Order in God
Proper communication is like the oil in your car that keeps it running smoothly. Without oil, the car begins to knock and make noises that let you know you have a problem. Would you ignore the warning light in your car that indicates your engine needs checking? I can assure you if you do, it will eventually “blow” the engine!
Neither should we ignore the warning signs of improper communication that lead to conflict. We all know there is no marriage or relationship without conflict. Most know from experience that conflict can produce stress if not properly dealt with. Any relationship or marriage without any conflict would be quite boring, to say the least, and not much fun at all. Without knowing how to communicate properly, there will be a deep lack of intimate conversation and sincerity in marriage. Such a marriage might as well be a roommate situation where people are just going through the motions, and therefore are reluctant or afraid to express their individual dreams, desires, personal feelings, goals, personality, or own spiritual giftedness.
A truly healthy and fulfilling marriage is going to be filled with open communication; while at times it is passionate, lively, and creative, at other times differences may occur along with conflict. The enemy tries to drive a wedge between husband and wife. He can use problems and people to achieve this goal of division. You will either be an instrument of good or an obstacle in any situation.
You can have healthy disagreements that arise naturally because both individuals maintain their own unique perspectives, ideas, and opinions. We must remember that we are all different! When spouses don’t communicate, they tend to find someone else who will listen and talk with them. This opens the door for emotional bonding with the opposite sex that can lead to destruction. You should never develop an emotional relationship with anyone of the opposite sex when married. You must set proper boundaries to guard your relationships. Talk to your spouse and put him or her first so your marriage will last.
In order to have proper relationships, people need to communicate and recognize everyone has a different personality. Debates arise as every individual has his or her own preferences and reasons (whether real or perceived) for holding onto them. Much conflict could also be avoided, not only in marriage, but also in family and business settings, if people would learn to communicate properly.
Discussions, disagreements, and debates do not need to degenerate into an emotional war that perpetuates an ongoing atmosphere of dispute and anxiety in the home. People either blow up in rage or give the cold, silent treatment in relationships where there is no honor. Disputes in the home can create a home filled with chaos and disorder. This produces an atmosphere of stress for the entire family.
Neither does there need to be distancing and isolation just because people disagree. Discussions should reach a conclusion without heated arguments. Disagreements should resolve into agreement when we learn to master communication and submit to God. Debates should come to a decisive course of action in healthy relationships where there is proper order in God. We want to learn to work through conflict so that we can actually getbetter, not just feel better. Conflict produces growth and change. Change keeps us alive and at work on our relationships. Marriage takes work but is so worth the effort! We must learn to honor and value one another, even if we disagree.
We must choose to learn better communication skills. The best teacher is Jesus. When you learn to master communication, you will be equipped to manage conflict in a godly manner, whether in your marriage, relationships, or business. The Bible tells us: “A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness” (Proverbs 15:1–2, nkjv).
When we do not have God as our focus, we do really stupid things. We learn to operate in fear, doubt, destruction, and lies rather than faith and belief in God’s great plan for our lives. When healthy couples understand the power of the covenant of marriage from God, there is a safe harbor and sense of trust that enables them to betotally honest with each other. Without this, there is lack of love and intimacy.
Choose to remain calm and gentle when confronting conflict, and your lifestyle of communication will not only become contagious, but also you will win more battles against the enemy with kind words and proper tones. Remember, the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. If something is bothering you, learn to talk about it without accusation.
Choose to speak wisely and make sure your words are accurate and actually truthful. Learning to remember that God is the ultimate judge, our conversation will be laced with love and forgiveness, even when confronting wrongs. Use your words to promote healing instead of agreeing with the adversary. Stay teachable yourself and be open to correction. Learn to apologize quickly and make wrongs right. Two wrongs do not make a right. Deposit value into others by the words you choose to speak. Show respect for others.
Wrong words promote dishonor and insecurity. Women need security and men need respect. Women need affection and men need sex. When a man is prideful and arrogant and does not include his wife in the finances, this creates an atmosphere where true God-given intimacy is not possible. It actually instills fear into the wife concerning her future.
All married couples, therefore, face the challenge of learning to disagree agreeably, which provides a safe harbor and an atmosphere for positive, genuine unity, instead of strained relationships that lead to silence, avoidance, and destruction, which is ultimately the plan of the enemy. Once that path is taken, it doesn’t take long to arrive in the desert.
When either the husband or wife does not know they are safe and able to share their heart, they are headed for a desert. When children are not allowed to express their feelings, they are headed for trouble. We also have communication conflicts with our family, friends, and coworkers. We must learn that words are powerful and learn to choose our words carefully. Words have the power to build or destroy. When we realize the power of our words and ask God for a hunger and thirst for righteousness, we then have the ability to live successful lives.