5 Tips for Effective 1-on-1 Discipleship

This piece will explain best practices for one-on-one discipleship, but before we get there, we must first lay out the importance of discipleship.

Jesus’s leadership plan

At the age of thirty, Jesus of Nazareth embarked on a mission that would change, not the world, but the entire cosmos. But Jesus did not do it alone. He began by discipling twelve men.

In his classic book, The Master Plan of Evangelism, Robert Coleman explains how Jesus gives us the greatest leadership development plan in history. Jesus began by spending a majority of his time building up twelve ordinary men, men who would take the reins when his time on earth came to an end.¹ These same men, ancient witnesses claim, turned the world upside down (Acts 17:6).

Using the message entrusted to them, and empowered by the Holy Spirit, their ministry reached the globe. In their hands, Christianity officially arrived on the world stage.

The discipleship mandate

Jesus’s parting words for us in Matthew center on the call to discipleship. In the Great Commission, Jesus commands us to “Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations” (Matt 28:19–20).² The imperative in the Greek is “make disciples” (μαθητεύω). For the rest of human history, until Jesus comes back, the purpose of the church is to make disciples, as opposed to, say, just believers.

Sometimes the Great Commission is paraphrased as though Jesus were saying, “As you go, make disciples.” In Matthew 28:19, “go” is a participle. However, it functions as an attendant circumstance participle, meaning it is so closely connected to the main verb that it carries the force of the command. That is why our major modern translations rightly render Jesus’s words, “Go and make disciples.”

That distinction is important. Jesus is not calling us merely to disciple people whenever life happens to present an opportunity. He is commissioning us to intentionally give ourselves to the work of making disciples. Discipleship happens in the ordinary course of life, but it is never meant to be accidental.

At the same time, that intentional work unfolds in the real circumstances of life. Paul’s relationship with Timothy gives us a beautiful picture of this. Paul tells Timothy, “You, therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. What you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, commit to faithful men who will be able to teach others also” (2 Tim 2:1–2). Timothy had received something from Paul, and Paul expected him to intentionally pass it on to others.

But Timothy received more than Paul’s teaching. He also saw Paul’s life. Paul later writes, “But you have followed my teaching, conduct, purpose, faith, patience, love, and endurance, along with the persecutions and sufferings that came to me in Antioch, Iconium, and Lystra” (2 Tim 3:10–11). Timothy watched Paul follow Christ through fruitful ministry, hardship, persecution, endurance, and suffering. He did not simply hear Paul explain the Christian life. He saw Paul live it.

That is an important part of one-on-one discipleship. We intentionally invite another person to walk with us, close enough to see what faithfulness looks like in the various seasons of our lives. Discipleship should not cease because life becomes inconvenient, painful, or complicated. In many ways, those are the moments when a younger believer has the opportunity to see most clearly what it means to trust Christ.

Paul tells Timothy elsewhere to “preach the word; be ready in season and out of season” (2 Tim 4:2). While that command specifically concerns Timothy’s ministry of preaching, the principle reminds us that faithfulness to Christ is not reserved for ideal circumstances.

There may never be a perfectly convenient time to disciple someone. There will always be responsibilities, interruptions, fruitful seasons, barren seasons, joys, disappointments, and suffering. Yet Christ’s commission remains.

So we go intentionally, we make disciples purposefully, and we allow those disciples to see us follow Jesus faithfully wherever obedience to him takes us.

Experiencing discipleship relationships

As I prepared to write this article, I asked several people to reflect on their past discipleship relationships with mentors. Their experiences included both meaningful joys and difficult moments. The reflections below offer a helpful window into what can strengthen—or hinder—a discipleship relationship and provide important considerations for your own discipleship journey:

Joys

• Being invited into the life of a mentor. Many would call this “life on life,” walking alongside an older/wiser Christian, and learning as they experience life with them.
• Feeling “seen,” known, and not condemned. Jesus modeled this perfectly. He fully knew his disciples. He knew their strengths, their potential, but also their weaknesses. Yet he loved them passionately.
• Being trusted, which leads to lasting spiritual growth. Leaders trust those who are under their care. This trust gives the learner confidence to grow and excel.
• Intentional questions that challenge reflection. Jesus asked his followers challenging questions to help them see their own hearts (e.g., Matt 8:23–27; 16:13–20; Mark 4:35–41; 8:27–30; Luke 8:22–25; 9:18–20), but also to know him more deeply. Great disciple leaders ask those in their care the right questions to stimulate thought and growth.

Pains

• Formulaic, “motions-only” meetings. Many disciple leaders report a lack of intentionality and creativity when meetings took place.
• Lack of listening or empathy. It’s difficult to connect when someone doesn’t understand where you are coming from, or if they always seem to have the answer without listening to you. The quickest way to gain someone’s trust is to lend your ears to their concerns and thoughts.
• Disconnect between study and daily life. Do the lessons connect to life? How do the lessons help young disciples become more like Jesus? Do the lessons help give them spiritual tools to overcome life’s challenges and sin in their lives? If not, rethink what you’re sharing.
• Scheduling conflicts (e.g., kids, work, etc.). It hurts when the person we are looking to for guidance doesn’t make us a priority. Let your disciples see they are a priority in your life.

Best practices for the church today

Knowing Jesus’s call to make disciples, and remembering the relationship between Paul and Timothy, what are some tips for the church today in disciple-making, specifically when it comes to one-on-one discipleship?

Below are some best practices I want to leave with you:

1. Invite a younger disciple into your life

Let them see how you live and how you steward your life. Let them see how you navigate the ups and downs. One of the most impactful moments in a discipleship relationship was seeing my former disciple leader navigate a life-changing illness, pastor a church, and prepare for marriage. I got to see how he modeled Jesus in his suffering and steadfastness as life threw its challenges. Invite your disciples in.

2. Listen to their stories, concerns, and struggles before you speak

Some of the best moments of giving encouragement and wisdom to younger disciples were when I let them share without interruption. During that time, I am listening and discerning how God might call me to respond. James 1:19 tells us to “quick to listen, slow to speak.” This is paramount in discipleship relationships.

3. Mix up the flow and format

Not every meeting needs to be a Bible study. Sometimes it can be lunch. Or simply going to an event together. Have fun with your disciples. Their observing your walk also involves letting them see how you have fun.

4. Give them responsibility

Part of maturing in Christ is being entrusted with tasks or leadership responsibilities. If you are a leader in your church or in some area of ministry, allow your disciple to lead something. Empower them to grow and step up. Jesus did this frequently with his disciples (e.g., Matt 10; Mark 6:7–13; Luke 10:1–16), and if they failed, he was there to pick them up (e.g., Matt 17:14–20; Mark 9:14–29; Luke 9:37–43). Give your disciples a task or responsibility.

5. Correct them, don’t crush them

Our disciples are not perfect. They will fail. They will make mistakes and have sin struggles. Encourage, rebuke, exhort, but don’t destroy them with words. Being a disciple leader is like being a shepherd, and shepherds don’t beat the sheep. They won’t recover if you do. Correct, sternly if necessary, but give them a chance to get it right. Jesus often rebuked Peter (Matt 16:23; Mark 8:31–33) and even knew he would reject him (Matt 26:31–35; Mark 14:27–31; Luke 22:31–34; John 13:36–38). Yet Jesus restored him and called him back to leadership (John 21:15–19).

Keep going

In closing, may the Lord continue to grant you grace and wisdom. Disciple-making is a joy. What a blessing it is to see how God can use you to help others mature in their faith. Just as Jesus poured into twelve ordinary men who went on to change the world, he is calling us to pour into others. Accept the call, and know that as you do, Jesus is with you until the end.

Share your thoughts

What have you found most helpful in one-on-one discipleship settings? Join us in the Word by Word group to share your thoughts.

Other articles on disciple-making

• What Is the Great Commission—& Is It Even for Me?
• How the Great Commission Echoes the Old Testament
• How the Bible Defines Discipleship: 12 Core Elements
• What Are the Best Books on Discipleship?
• Deep Discipleship in a Digital Age: Rethinking Church, Ministry & Life Together in an Online World

Resources for further reflection

1. Robert E. Coleman, The Master Plan of Evangelism (Revell, 2006), 37. Originally published in 1963.
2. All Bible quotations are taken from the CSB.