2 Reasons Your Church May Not Be as Friendly as You Think

Guests expect a friendly church, but it’s not always what they experience.

As church leaders, we might believe that we are the friendliest church in town. In fact, according to a study done by Thom Rainer, virtually all churches overestimated their friendliness.

In over 500 church consultations and thousands of church member interviews, I heard it. Most church members really do think their church is very friendly. But, more times than not, they are wrong. Guests who visit the churches usually have a much different perspective.¹

In this article, I’ll share two common reasons our churches may not be as friendly as we think, as well as practical ways to become more friendly.

1. The insularity trap

Our first problem is insularity.

According to the Concise Oxford English Dictionary, insularity can mean being “uninterested in ideas, cultures, etc., other than one’s own; narrow-minded.” Think of images like wearing blinders or living on an island.

For example, Peter struggled with insular thinking regarding who was able to be part of God’s family. Insular thinking led him to believe that the gentiles, as non-Jews, were unclean and therefore unwelcome in the family of God. His vision in Acts 10, however, reminded him that God could make anyone clean, including gentiles (Acts 10:1–11:18). As seen, Christ’s church was never meant to be insular.

When insulated, we develop tunnel vision that keeps us from noticing and being welcoming toward others. Insularity can communicate unfriendliness, even if we don’t intend it. In a church, insularity shows up as insider speech and insider culture. The issue is that guests aren’t familiar with these things, and so are made to feel like outsiders.

Insularity can communicate unfriendliness, even if we don’t intend it.

When we use terms or acronyms, for instance, that only regular members will understand, we create a cliquish culture. Although it’s unintentional, the result remains: People will feel left out. Every culture—whether it is a church, institution, or family—uses insider speech, such as code words and acronyms and inside jokes, familiar only to those who’ve been around long enough to know or have dared to ask their esoteric meaning (IYKYK).

Though it may be trendy and easy to use acronyms, they can isolate others. Take “CG.” It could stand for college group, covenant group, care group, couples’ group, children’s group, and more. If newcomers don’t know what it means in your church, they’re left scratching their heads.

Insularity also appears when people in the church create a culture that makes others feel unwelcome. In the church I pastored in Colorado, many of the congregants were financially well-off. Not only was that apparent when entering the parking lot, but people would often talk about the latest vacations, the restaurants they’d tried, or the shiniest new gadget they purchased. A guest of smaller means would immediately feel left out (the pastor included).

Insularity may be unintentional, but it leaves others feeling like they don’t belong at your church.

The way out? Improved communication

A key way to remedy such insularity is stronger communication.

To commune means to converse or talk together, or, to consult the Concise Oxford English Dictionary again: “to share one’s intimate thoughts or feelings with.” While communing with others doesn’t necessarily involve intimate communication, it does involve a shared, mutual experience of both talking and listening.

Consider our example of using acronyms. Acronyms aren’t a problem—if they are quickly explained. During a worship gathering, a church leader might say, “At our church, we use CG to mean college group. So if you hear CG tossed around, you’ll know that is what we are referring to.” Now everyone understands.

We would also do well to consider first- and second-layer conversations. We want to initiate conversations with newcomers, but we want to avoid going too deep or getting too personal too soon. First-layer conversations are surface level. We don’t ask or bring up anything too probing or personal. For example, our first question to a newcomer shouldn’t be how much they have saved for retirement (this actually happened to me). First-layer questions are about things that are easy to share.

Patty Lane, in her helpful book A Beginner’s Guide to Crossing Cultures (InterVarsity, 2002), uses the image of an iceberg to describe the difference between what she calls “objective” and “subjective cultures.” Above the water line is objective culture, those common characteristics of shared human experience that we can readily talk about, like food preferences or perhaps musical tastes. Subjective culture, which second-layer conversations reach, lies below the surface and is harder to uncover, such as a person’s concept of truth or their true feelings on a specific issue.² Once we’ve built a relationship with someone, we can ask about second-layer topics. Rushing the process may leave guests feeling that their privacy has been invaded.

Effective communication, then, helps solve insularity.

2. The comfort trap

A second common cause of unfriendliness is our pursuit of comfort.

It’s no surprise that pretty much everyone wants to be comfortable, ministry leaders included. Engaging or interacting with someone new is always a little uncomfortable. Our displeasure in leaving our comfort zones may even show on our faces.

But our pursuit of comfort can leave others feeling left behind or unwelcome. So being a friendly church requires us to get out of our comfort zones.

In Jonah 4:5–6, after reluctantly preaching to the Ninevites, the prophet Jonah rests under a plant given by the Lord to “save him from his discomfort.” In a humorous fashion, the author comments: “So Jonah was exceedingly glad because of the plant.” Immediately after God sends a worm to destroy the plant, Jonah throws a fit. When God asks whether he does well to be angry about the plant, Jonah answers, “Yes, I do well to be angry, angry enough to die” (Jonah 4:9). He cared more about his own comfort than about the eternal discomfort of his enemies, the Ninevites.

At times our desire for comfort prevents us from making others feel like they belong in our church.

If we’re honest, making time for newcomers can feel like having our own “plant” (comfort) unfairly removed. Perhaps we’ve come home from a long day of ministry, ready to unwind, and someone calls who needs our attention—even worse, the caller is someone new. There’s nothing wrong with seeking comfort, but at times our desire for comfort prevents us from making others feel like they belong in our church.

The way out? Intentional hospitality

One way to address our comfort-seeking is intentional hospitality.

When we hear the word “hospitality,” we might envision shopping tirelessly in crowded grocery stores for elusive ingredients, spending hours slaving over the stove, and then slogging through the dishes and cleaning up afterward. All for what? Just to turn a stranger into an acquaintance. Is it worth the effort, energy, and resources?

The short answer is yes, if we value becoming a friendlier church. But I’d also challenge the notion that hospitality is a chore or that it’s only for those especially gifted for it. Hospitality doesn’t require extravagance. It can be simple. You can entertain others in a modest way, and it does not always have to be in your home.

Hospitality in the church can take many forms. Congregational meals give guests a chance to sit down and get to know others. These types of community meals don’t have to be weekly or even monthly. They can be done quarterly or even twice per year. When I pastored a smaller church of fewer than one hundred adults, we hosted weekly meals where one individual or family provided lunch for the entire congregation one Sunday per year. The lunches were simple: either takeout or, on rare occasions, home-cooked. A few times per year, we would have guests who were homeless join us for these after-service meals, which became a wonderful way to reach out and show them hospitality.

Your church can also extend hospitality by considering ways to make its space more accommodating to guests. This includes having good signage throughout, especially for basic things like restrooms and children/youth ministry spaces. Make it obvious to your guests where they should drop off and pick up their children. If your neighborhood is ethnically diverse, include signage in languages spoken by the community. Designate and label several parking spots closest to the entrance for guests.

Some churches announce weekly that after the service the pastoral staff will be available to greet and welcome guests in a particular location. You could offer some light refreshments here, if possible. You could also budget for hospitality gift bags, to be given to guests as they leave the worship space or meet with the pastor and staff. You might purchase Bibles or devotional materials to hand out to guests, especially if they are unchurched guests or returning prodigals.

Ways to show hospitality are endless, and each helps create a friendlier church.

Conclusion

In this brief article, I’ve identified at least two hurdles that inhibit congregational friendliness and how to overcome them. Of course, other problems and solutions exist, but these two are important starting points.

As we address them, I believe that your church guests will come back, learn to appreciate new acronyms like “IYKYK” and “CG,” and even find a place they can call their permanent spiritual home.

Share your thoughts

What practical steps can churches take to become friendlier to newcomers? Join us in the Word by Word group to share your thoughts.

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1. Thom Rainer, “Six Reasons Your Church Might Not Be as Friendly as You Think It Is,” Church Answers (blog), November 8, 2014, https://churchanswers.com/blog/six-reasons-church-might-friendly-think.
2. Patty Lane, A Beginner’s Guide to Crossing Cultures: Making Friends in a Multicultural World (InterVarsity, 2009), 18.