7 Challenging Personalities and How to Lead Them in Small Group

What have I gotten myself into?

Most of us who lead small groups have had that moment. Leading people is a bit like parenting: It doesn’t come with an instruction manual. It’s rife with unforeseen scenarios that are as unique as the people who make up the group. Some situations are garden variety that become second nature to a seasoned small group leader. Others are so complex that they vex even the most grizzled leaders.

People are complicated. And a small group puts all of that complication in a room together, week after week. So how do we lead them well?

13 principles for leading a small group with challenging personalities

Before we address specific types of people you may encounter, let’s look at some foundational principles that enable you to better handle the more complex people God brings your way.

1. Stay spiritually healthy

The health of your own soul will impact the health of your group. Good technique and best practices are no replacement for staying connected to the Vine (John 15:4–8).

Moreover, the group will see itself through your eyes. So see the group the way God sees it. While remaining honest about its shortcomings, see the God-given potential it has. Lead with contagious faith, hope, and love, even when frustrated by hard dynamics.

2. Be a fellow member

The goal of a small group is to help one another grow more like Jesus. You need the same gospel as your small group. You, like them, need to grow. Model humility and candor. Pursue growth with them.

This posture makes a significant difference when dealing with difficult people. Your humble example of an authentic relationship with Jesus will prove contagious.

3. Foster a strong culture

A healthy culture is one of your greatest assets when leading complicated people. A healthy small group culture will naturally absorb and mitigate a difficult personality without being derailed by it, while that same person would rattle a group with a less healthy culture.

So how do you shape culture? It’s more art than science, but a few practices go a long way. Leaders help shape culture by deciding who to platform and what to elevate. Look for spiritually healthy members and gradually increase their ownership of the group while ensuring all are welcome and encouraged. (But be careful here: Spiritual health is easily confused with being intelligent, articulate, or outgoing. They’re not the same thing.) Linger over fruitful questions or insights that contribute to health. Graciously move past less helpful questions or comments. Privately, and at times publicly, affirm health-breeding contributions. People naturally move toward what gets noticed and celebrated.

4. Communicate expectations up front

Letting members know up front what to expect makes it feel far less personal when you need to direct the group later. If you tell people, “In the first fifteen minutes of the Bible study, we will be laser-focused on making sure we all understand the passage. It’ll be my job to cut off any discussion that isn’t helping us do that”—the group will be more apt to understand when you’re strict during those first fifteen minutes. Let them know the expectation, the reason for it, and how you plan to enforce it. Sometimes it’s helpful to assign an “enforcer” for a particular rule at the outset of each meeting, making it a bit fun.

5. Actively lead

There’s only one person who’s charged with leading the group: you. Spirit-filled Christians will generally act graciously toward difficult people. Yet if you are unwilling to direct, correct, and shape the group, it will likely remain captive to those difficult people and their unhelpful behaviors.

Though it takes courage, you must act. Act humbly, prayerfully, and lovingly. But act.

6. Use your own insights judiciously

Since you’ve been tasked with leading the group, there’s a decent chance that you’re one of its more insightful or spiritually mature members. It may be tempting to give the right answer or share your insights frequently and at length. You might be inclined to answer questions quickly or resolve tensions immediately. However, this can stifle conversation.

Yet there are times when you will need to resolve an issue quickly or give needed direction, lest the group gets derailed. Know when to use your voice and how to use it judiciously. Using your insights judiciously will allow you to be more assertive when needing to curtail unhealthy directions.

7. Cultivate love for your group members

Remember that each member of your small group, no matter how difficult, is made in God’s image. If they are believers, they are God’s children. They are beloved. So cultivate love for them. Ask God to give you his heart for them. Show interest in their lives. Treat them as individuals, not as personality types. Most people will let you lead them (even imperfectly) if they know you care for them.

8. Work to understand your group members

Proverbs teaches us that the purposes in a man’s heart are deep and complex, but a wise person draws that out (Prov 20:5). Whenever you see actions, be they beautiful or prickly, look for the “why” behind the actions. Ask questions. Listen well. One person’s prickly behavior might arise from a marriage that’s falling apart, while another’s might arise from self-righteousness. A wise leader will respond to the situations in light of the why.

9. Connect individually when possible

When a certain group member consistently acts in ways that are detrimental to the group, it’s usually best to address it privately.

Approach them as an ally, asking for their help. Share your vision for where you want the group to go, and ask them to be part of the solution.

Outline your small group questions with Logos’s Bible Study Builder. Start your free trial!

10. Maintain a Later List

Sometimes topics or questions arise that cannot be resolved quickly and would sidetrack conversation if pursued. Ask someone in your group to keep an official list of important conversations for another time (the “Later List”). Readily put things on the list, and then encourage people to discuss those topics later or offline. Circulate an article or blog post related to the topic, or engage privately with the person who brought it up.

11. Create space for silent reflection

Small groups are great for those who process verbally, but the same groups can be harder for internal processors. One help for this is providing a time of quiet reflection before anyone answers a particular question. This can help balance out a group that has a few over-talkers with others who stay silent.

12. Ask for help

If you have a particularly complex situation or person, ask for help from the pastor or leader over your church’s small group ministry. You can also seek advice from another seasoned small group leader.

13. Remember, you are not God

Why does one person grow in leaps and bounds while another stays in the same rut? In the end, it is the work of the Holy Spirit to bring change. He works through means: his people lovingly and prayerfully speaking gospel truth to one another in the context of a local church.

God brings the transformation and growth, not us. You may not be able to “fix” certain difficult people, nor may you be able to relieve certain burdens. Instead, employ the means God has given, then entrust the matter to God.

7 challenging personalities and how to lead them

With these foundations in place, let’s explore some common types of complicated people we might encounter and how to lead them.

1. The smartest person in the room

Accurately or not, this person perceives themselves as the smartest person in the room. They may be overly assertive or condescending in their comments.

If they are noble-hearted, appeal to them privately to use their knowledge to serve the group by using their voice and insights judiciously, not in a way that neuters others. If they are less noble-hearted, you must push back hard enough to create space for others to contribute meaningfully. You cannot allow them to become the de facto leader of the group.

2. The man on a soapbox

This person has a theological or political hobbyhorse they love discussing. Every passage or conversation leads back to their favorite issue. They have such intricate knowledge of their pet topic, it’s hard to have a fair conversation about it.

If their pet topic isn’t central to that week’s passage, don’t be afraid to table their discussion (perhaps adding it to the Later List) and return to the passage. If they bring it up week after week, remind them that the issue was discussed previously. It might be helpful to ask them to prepare a paper on the topic and share it with you personally. However you handle it, don’t allow the group to become a weekly platform for them.

3. The underprepared

Each small group has its own expectations in terms of preparation. This person is consistently falling short of those expectations.

If the group has strict expectations, a private conversation is advisable. Show care. Life circumstances often play a factor. If the group is less strict in expectations, take steps to help bring the less prepared up to speed (e.g., read the passage together as a group, ask a few simple observation questions, create space for silent reflection).

4. The meanderer

Some people are less articulate and take more time to convey their point. They circle around an idea, adding details and tangents, sometimes losing the thread themselves. Their contributions can be valuable, but the journey to get there can be lengthy.

If it’s not excessive and they don’t regularly dominate conversation, it’s fine to let them meander a bit. It might be helpful to summarize their point or question afterwards. However, if their meandering is frequent or a certain comment becomes excessively long, you should gently intervene. You can blame the group’s time restraints. You can also interrupt early on and allow them a set amount of time to articulate their point (e.g., “I’m intrigued where you’re going. Could you land in the next minute so we have time to engage with your thought?”).

5. The quiet

Quiet people are often internal processors. They may have rich insights but need time and space to formulate them.

If you perceive they have something to say, draw them out. Create space for them to speak. They also may do well if you give them a specific task (e.g., read the passage, record items on the Later List). Or you might look ahead and ask them in advance to share on a specific question the following week.

6. The emotional sinkhole

At times, someone in your small group will experience something awful, and the group will need to rally around them. This is right and beautiful. Do not confuse this with the emotional sinkhole. The emotional sinkhole has learned how to manipulate other people to elicit Christian sympathy and attention. They thrive on the attention they receive but don’t make progress in light of the help given.

We love such people by including them, giving them an appropriate level of attention (e.g., praying for them, occasionally checking in on them, taking turns being a listening ear) and not getting caught up in their web. Protect others in the group from being caught up in the web, too. Assure others that the person is receiving the care needed. Give group members tangible but bounded steps they can take as the group collectively walks with the needy person.

7. The toxic

Some people are truly toxic to the health of a group. Perhaps they gossip or betray confidence. Maybe they spread heresy despite knowing better. Their presence actively harms other group members’ well-being and ability to grow.

When clear sin like this is in question, let Matthew 18:15–20 guide your actions. Address it privately and directly. If that fails, bring in a church leader to help you. If the sin persists even after that, it should typically result in removal from the group (though work closely with the pastor over small groups in this situation).

Conclusion

God designed the local church as an incubator for our spiritual growth (Eph 4:11–16). As the family loves one another and pursues Christ together, we collectively grow. Not everyone will progress at the same pace. Some unique or prickly personalities will persist. But together, we’ll grow. Your small group is one component of the local church. But it is only one component. Trust God’s plan and rest, even as you lead your imperfect small group.

Helping people grow spiritually is one of our noblest callings (Matt 28:18–20), even when leading is fraught with challenges. At the end of the day, we all say with the apostle, “Who is sufficient for these things?” (2 Cor 2:16). And we thus press forward, with humble dependence upon a God who is able to take even our feeble efforts and bring good (Ps 90:17).

You are doing vital, eternal work. Press on in hope. Depend upon God. Look to his word. Pray much. Let him shape you and use you.

Further resources for leading small groups well

Related content

• 10 Essential Steps to Launching a Vibrant Small Group Ministry
• 5 Essential Traits You’ll Find in Gospel-Centered Small Groups
• 7 Tips for Great Small Group Discussion Questions
• Does Your Church Have a Discipleship Culture? How to Cultivate It
• Is Your Church Truly Healthy? Look to Love, Not Metrics