5 Reasons Pastors Don’t Make Friends

Pastors need friends. Just like everybody else, pastors need the many benefits of authentic Christian community. They have the same need to belong as you and me, but for some reason it’s especially difficult for them to cultivate healthy friendships. Here are a few reasons why that might be.

They feel the need to be perfect

Some people expect pastors to be perfect—to have a proverb loaded up and ready to deliver at any moment’s notice. False expectations hang over some pastors’ relationships. They isolate themselves for fear that they might accidentally damage their office by a stray word or thoughtless action.

They avoid hard conflict

Ministry is messy. Pastors often wind up holding a lot of interpersonal complexity. Resolution often requires confrontation, and that can be very scary for a pastor whose livelihood may be on the line. It’s rare to hear of a pastor losing their job because they didn’t confront a conflict, but many “meddling” pastors have found themselves on the chopping block. When you see unresolved conflict around every corner, it’s easier to just shy away.

They’re too busy

We all get 24 hours in a day. Understanding why some pastors don’t have many friends only takes a little arithmetic: four hours on sermon prep, four on counseling, four on administration, four with their family, two on meals, and six sleeping. Many pastors pack their days so full of important ministry functions that there isn’t room for anything extracurricular, like friendship. Of course, that lifestyle is far from sustainable.

They’re surrounded by “takers”

Many people want something from the pastor—prayer, advice, a reference, money from the benevolence fund, to use the gym, to make an announcement during service. If you thought you were going to get tapped for a favor every time you met someone for coffee, you’d probably be shy about making friends too.

They are a “taker”

Especially in small churches, the opposite can also be true. The pastor can easily become the church’s recruiter. If the pastor only calls when the worship team is short one guitarist, you tend to start ignoring their calls.

If pastors struggle to make and sustain close friendships, how can we care for them? How can we befriend them, and create a safe place for them to recharge their spiritual batteries? Tell us in comments.

* * *

Try Proclaim for Free

Proclaim Church Presentation Software allows you to collaborate with your team from wherever they work best. No more emailing large files or fumbling with flash drives. Best of all, it connects with many of the tools you already use, like Planning Center Online, Elvanto, CCLI SongSelect, and Graceway Media. Try it for free at ProclaimOnline.com/Download.

Share
Written by
Ray Deck III

Born in WV, Ray escaped to North Carolina at a young age. He came to Logos after an 8 year stint at a faith-based nonprofit in New York. When he is not assembling sequences of words, he’s probably running, surfing or shooting skeet, but you should probably go look for him. He has a terrible sense of direction and is probably lost.

View all articles

Your email address has been added

Written by Ray Deck III
Ends March 31: Save up to 60% on March Matchups commentaries and more.
This is default text for notification bar